Jeff Brutlag

This month has been…a whirlwind. Not necessarily the kind of whirlwind that rips off your weave and tears your Versace dress, but the kind that makes your blood rush so fast that you don’t really feel it until you’re sitting completely still.

Don’t get me wrong, this is good! I like that I’m busy. I like what’s been keeping me busy, but lord have mercy, I feel like I haven’t had the time to process all the good that I’ve been experiencing. I don’t want to let the good feeling pass me by. It deserves to be celebrated.

This Pride Month has just been extraordinary. Not only have I raised about $1,700 for The Trevor Project so far through a campaign on my Twitch channel, but I have been participating in a Summer of Pride event, which features queer streamers playing queer-inclusive games, sponsored by a queer-inclusive game development company called Midboss. That alone has been such an amazing thing to participate in, as queer representation in media is something I am SO passionate about. And not only that, but like, my FACE is on their website. Like, right on the page for the event. MY FACE. Like, that kind of means that I’m at the forefront of this event.

UM?? That’s big!

Not only that (yeah, it gets better) but I was asked to be on a podcast with a Twitch streamer that I’ve admired for SO many months. Her name is Ashnichrist, and she produces livestreams, podcasts, and videos regularly to help people grow their live-streaming channels. I found her so inspirational when I first found her channel, and a lot of the advice she’s given has inspired me to do better with my own channel. I even got to meet her at TwitchCon last year, which was a big moment, as by that point, I had already heard a number of tips from her that really helped me become the streamer I am, today.

So cut to eight months later, a content creator friend of mine (whom I’ve loved and respected for about five years) publicly suggests to heron Twitter that I should be on her podcast to talk about LGBTQIA+ issues, and then I get the message from her that she would like to pencil me in for a time. Like, I’m pretty sure I felt my stomach try to literally leap out of my body. Where is it now? I honestly don’t know.

And all of this has been happening so fast, that my chronic imposter syndrome has been VERY loud. Was I even worthy enough to be on that podcast? People said I am, and I felt like I proved it well while speaking on the podcast, but yet my imposter syndrome wants to find every other reason to point out why I was on it. “Maybe it’s ONLY because a friend suggested you,” or “maybe she couldn’t find anyone else” or something else detrimental. I’m much better at combatting those thoughts than I used to be now that I’ve been taking anti-depressants, but goodness, it’d be great if I could finally process that I AM worthy of this kind of spotlight.

And it’s great that this has all been happening during Pride Month! You know, a month where the community deserves to be lifted up! I mean, it should honestly just be more than this month, but this is a month that I look forward to every year. The fact that I’m experiencing so much success and growth is huge! It makes it even more reason to become a month to remember.

I’m sure I’ll adjust and it’ll eventually sink in, but right now, I’m trying to just drift with the winds. I’m letting them take me on this journey into growth in the kind of career that I wanted, because these are all things that I’ve wanted. I’m thrilled, don’t get me wrong. I am BEYOND thrilled, but I haven’t been able to sit still long enough to feel it, yet. I can’t wait to do that, though. Gosh, it’ll probably be the best I’ve felt in a long while.