Photo by Markus Spiske on

It’s funny how quick the transition is between “oh, I have plenty of time” to “oh my god it’s here, it’s here, there’s literally no time to get everything done.” I wanted nothing more than my moving-to-Seattle date to come, only for it to now be days away, feeling like every granule of time now flows between my hands. I’m excited. I’m panicking. It’s entirely possible that I’m only running on adrenaline from now until I’m finally settled in. I’m just waiting for the relief to come, because, quite honestly, the desire for it is the only thing keeping me going.

Something I thought about is that I turned 30 on August 9th, and that I’ll be going into this fresh, piping hot decade in a brand new city where I get to pursue a life for myself. A few people there know me from Twitch, and some were friends from high school or university, but most everyone else? Brand spankin’ new people who get to see me at the best I’ve ever been. The most confident I’ve ever been, the most self-esteem I’ve ever had (with some…improvements, to still make) and the most passionate I’ve been about simply exploring life for what it has to offer me? Y’all, this is quite possibly the biggest adventure I’ve ever gone on. All by myself, for the most part. WHEW.

I want to relish in just how delighted I am for the journey, because of how dried out (literally and metaphorically) Phoenix has made me feel since I was born. I’m eager to find, or even create, a support network of people who will make me feel loved and cared for in a place that has such a stunning look, and a charming personality. It gives me a rush, thinking about how much of this new home I want to explore to see if there’s a place there where I’d like to lay some foundation. And, if I’m gonna be completely transparent, I’m extremely looking forward to the prospect of finding someone I’m wildly in love with, who’s wildly in love with me, too. Phoenix has proved for far too long that this isn’t something I can expect from it (and that’s okay! Phoenix is still beautiful in all its own ways.)

But if I’m going to give the entire scope of how this move is making me feel…I’m also scared. I’ve only talked about about how excited I am, because I’m determined for everything to work out, but behind all of that is a tiny little shiver along my spine, telling me “what if it all comes tumbling down, and you’re the reason you can never have the life you want?” What if the connections I do have don’t pan out the way I hope? What if I slip into feeling like I’m an unpleasant meat sack full of dry, tasteless jerky? What if I run out of energy to be happy in Seattle, and can’t find it in me to be hopeful for a future, there?

Logically, I know this is a possibility. Not everything in life pans out the way we picture, and if it did, we wouldn’t have as many reasons to work toward finding happiness. Logically, I could end up hating Seattle and wanting to move again after my 12-month lease is up. Logically, the city could take a big fat dump on me like I felt Phoenix did, especially in the romance department, and I’ll want to move somewhere else to find some sort of personal fulfillment.

I know moving won’t magically make my life better, but I guess at this point, I don’t see the harm in believing that it will.

People have said I will LOVE living in Seattle. I’ve already met new people, made connections I’m excited by, and have so many places in the city I want to explore. I mean heck, I’ve already been invited to an exclusive event from a well-known company. That’s more than some people have before they move to an entirely new city!

Seattle is already panning out to be a location where I can wiggle my roots into the soil and thrive. Whether it becomes a forever home, or somewhere to spend just a slice of my life, I keep trying to remind myself that trying it out is better than never giving it a shot. Nothing can grow if I don’t at least plant a seed.

Maybe I’m the one that will be taking the big fat dump on my life in Seattle. You know, for fertilizer. That’s certainly one way to take control of one’s destiny.

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