Let’s Get Back to Chasing some Dreams

I really just kind of…kept saying “I’ll update my blog here,” day after day, week after week, until it started affecting my mental health enough to the point where I just couldn’t take it any longer.


So hey! Hi. I have been an incredibly busy bean, but not so busy to where I can’t find time in my day to write some casual, conversational blog posts about what I have going on in my life, streaming or otherwise. I’ll admit that I did feel creatively drained for quite a bit, letting Twitch take all of my creative energy and leaving me with just enough to play Final Fantasy XIV in the evenings.


But I’m not going to let that happen anymore! We’re going to start being more active on this blog, because heck, I miss writing, and I miss getting to do it for you all. (Which, yes, means I will be doing other writing projects as well.)


So what have I been up to? Well, my Twitch channel has picked up quite a bit. Lots of growth on the platform, more and more paid gigs, and fun opportunities for the channel. It’s felt really validating to be where I am with the platform because not only was I told so often growing up that “video games are just for kids” and discouraged from believing that streaming on Twitch could never actually be a full time job, but hey, look at me now. Getting closer and closer to it paying all of my bills, and becoming an empire of its own (okay that last part might be a stretch, but I’m manifesting, okay?)


Away from Twitch, I’ve also been trying to be way more active on Tiktok, which has actually been fun…when I try not to focus how many views my videos get. The algorithm on there for who gets to see which videos feels so unpredictable, while also seemingly silently suppressing content that they don’t deem appropriate for all audiences. I could be a bit off-base here, but I’ll have very few videos that pop off with thousands of views almost immediately, some that slow down maybe after 200, and some that are lucky to even break 50 within an hour. This may be way more common on the platform than I realize, but it just seems…strange?


It might require more research and experimentation, but overall, I’m enjoying it! It’s fun to just make fun, relatable content on there where I just get to talk to the camera, be a little bit silly, and for lack of a less cliche term, simply be myself. The app is such a unique medium for expressing yourself, in ways I never really would have thought were possible, so it’s been a joy to utilize that in a way that just feels good.


And away from my content creation life? Well, not going to lie, I had a moment at one of the local queer bars here where it felt like the universe threw a wall in between myself and the people around me, with writing on it that said “this isn’t your home.”


Living in the area I do now in Phoenix, it’s felt less like my hometown is dried up of anything that would make me feel fulfilled, but lately, it’s like the things that looked dewy and glowing started to dry up and crack. The desert air is filled with so many memories, not all bad, but the bad ones definitely feel like the ones that left the biggest burns. I’m sure I could make the most of this place, find out exactly where I fit in, and make a life for myself, but the more days that go by, the more times I try to break into the social climate of this place, and the more I feel my heart ache for something that this arid atmosphere keeps letting evaporate into the smog that lines our skies, the more I find myself wanting to leave.


I signed my lease for another year. I plan to use that year to explore places I’m interested in living, weigh out which ones might bring me the hope I need to have the life I want, and bring back that glow that I so desperately wish to have.

Oh, and my hair is silver now. That’s pretty neat! I’ll be dyeing it a rose gold color next, whenever I can get all of the silver out of my hair.


So overall things are relatively okay. Would I like even more growth on Twitch? Sure, but I’m maintaining, and have been maybe even slowly growing. I’ll keep working on my content and figuring out how to bring in even more people.


Are the content creation platforms I’m using to supplement Twitch streaming perhaps a little confusing to learn how to grow on? Sure, but they’re fun, and sometimes they do well. Again, things will get better.


Am I happy where I live? Not…quite. But it’s not the worst! I have some good friends here, and a few family members that support where my life is going (that number was dwindling for quite a bit, there, but on the surface? I’m over it). I’m not miserable here, but I’m looking to thrive. Phoenix just isn’t going to do it.


And writing? You know, the thing I still have quite a passion for, considering my 4 years of university where I specialized in it? I plan to do way more of it. Even in simply drafting this post, I cranked out over 900 words in such a shorter amount of time than I’ve ever taken, and if that doesn’t speak to how much my heart and mind missed expressing myself through written word, I honestly don’t think there could be an even bigger sign. This filled me up in a way that I just know I needed to.


So expect regular updates here, y’all. Expect some more pieces of short fiction, perhaps? Expect some more opinion pieces. Expect maybe even a creative nonfiction (a memoir, if you will) about being a gay that grew up to finally start taking control of their life because letting everyone else decide was just too exhausting.


It feels good to get all of this out there. It feels good to truly manifest the growth I want to see in my life. I hope to see you cheering me on, as I continue to work for it.

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