Finding Balance

I think I need motivation. I need a spark somewhere in my body that will combust into some sort of productive streak that pushes me to make something amazing. I need to feel the rush of finishing a big project, and I need to taste the relief of climbing over a big hill of self-doubt. I need something to shake me out of my uncertainty, and tell me that I’m good enough to pull my dreams out of my head. I can hear people tell me that I’m a good writer, but I need to do something that will make me believe that to a degree that will make it easier to succeed.

I laugh at my dreams as if they’re not attainable. I tell myself (and sometimes other people) that I must be crazy for trying to make it as an independent author. It’s possible that this is the truth, but it’s a truth that will be set in stone if that’s how I continue to talk about it, right? Self-fulfilling prophecies, and all that jazz. The more I talk about my own life as if it’s a cesspool of uncertainty and self-doubt, the more it will keep plaguing me to a point where that hill of self-doubt will become the size of Mt. Everest. Sure, I can climb Mt. Everest if I really put the work into it, but it’ll look much bigger than it seems when an endless surplus of self-doubt is feeding its image. 

I want to say that removing my self-doubts would make it so much easier. Remove the self-doubts, and the mountain doesn’t look so big anymore, right? I feel like I know where my doubts lie, and I could try to convince myself that it’s just me getting in my own head, but these doubts can also be easily turned to fuel. I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough, despite knowing I am. I have past experiences of not feeling supported, and being told constantly that I shouldn’t just chase after a dream despite knowing it’s what I want for my life; wouldn’t the best fuel be the desire to prove that I have what it takes to accomplish what I’ve been discouraged from pursuing?

Ultimately, I have to want this for myself. My desire for success with something that I’m wholeheartedly passionate about is the only thing I should focus on. There’s motivation in that. There’s motivation in believing in this desire for success, but there’s no motivation in trying to drown out your doubts by cranking up the volume on your beliefs so much, that the doubts just find a way to become louder. Maybe I need balance more than I need pure motivation. If I work too hard at combating my self-doubts, that could take all of the creative energy away from actually succeeding. If I work alongside them, learning how to make progress without letting the sound of them slow me down, that would be some major character development. 

I know what I want. I know what I need to do to achieve the success I’m looking for. I feel the path I’m on is the right one; now, I just have to believe it.

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